Monday, June 11, 2012

School Psychologist Accepts Driving Addiction After Tennessee Music Festival, Skips Work to Drive to Mall Thirty-Eight Times

(Highland Park, NJ) -- A local school psychologist dealt with a driving addiction Monday morning after a long weekend of seeing live music. The weekend getaway, bookended by thirteen hour commutes to and from New Jersey and Tennessee, included seeing such acts as Radiohead, St. Vincent, Ludacris, and other popular musicians that left the area man dazzled and open to the lasting impression of the uncannily long highway trips surrounding the event. The resident, Scott Kraiterman, 22, now faces the present dilemma of driving impossibly exhausting amounts of highway for no clear or practically acceptable reason.

"The road, the air conditioning, the brutal self-doubt in the face of mindless exhaustion? I need it now. I don't know why, but I do need it on some scary, intrinsic level. Here, toss me that water bottle?..."

His trips now includes basically aimed voyages on the interstate - points west, east, north, and south at destinations like supermarkets and local malls of middling quality with regular stops at rest areas to refresh his spirits.

"I mean, if your question is 'Scott, are you running an errand,' the answer is no. I'm not shopping for new clothes here. haha"

Local witnesses explain having seen the New Jersey man's 2012 Honda Civic driving loops around parking lot islands, figure-eighting by confused pedestrians, and stopping at regular intervals so that the driver can climb out, pocket his keys, and stretch his legs.

"It just doesn't really make all that much sense," explained one such onlooker. "I watched him drive twelve times back and forth from a Taco Bell at the north exit of the parking lot to an Arby's over by the highway, shouting things like 'I'll be there in thirty seconds!' or 'Help me! Help me! Help me!' It's really pretty amazing. Scary."


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Area Investigators Find Object in New Internet Video Seriously Strange, 'Oddest Blue Thing in Existence'

(Alfred, NY) -- Local sources are pointing to new information on Sunday that reveals much about a new arrival to the community of bizarre, internet content available to fans of last year's hit, colorful success, LIVE at Scott Kraiterman's Facebook. The new material, a video upload by area thread wizard Emily Bellinger, provides fans with spectacular displays of bouncing, bounding, crawling (?), and cat acrobatics - 'cat-robatics' or 'acrocatics', colloquially. Using appropriate sources of empirical evidence, officials reviewing the material have come to conclusions that the prominent blue Thing may be the strangest blue object ever to be filmed by a camera.

Alternate theories and speculation from the international scientific community offer hypotheses that range from 'there must be many small women in there or cats too?' to 'cosmic space jelly cat formations are truly the only real possibility here'.

"You know, I've seen red, orange, green, what have you. This is just a very weird blue thing, which is important to indicate. I just don't understand the form as human. Is it real? I don't know haha How bizarre."


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Local Man's Life Changed Immeasurably After Internet Search Reveals the Truth About NFL Quarterback and Metallica Frontman Being Different People

(Piscataway, NJ) -- A Google search changed the life of a local New Jersey man Tuesday morning as the lazy, work day exploring of popular search queries led him to discover that Tom Brady, professional quarterback for the National Football Leauge's New England Patriots, and James Hetfield, lead singer and songwriter for the rock band Metallica, are entirely separate individuals.

"I was shocked! I've been to the games; I've been to the shows. I had always wondered about James not stopping in between songs to throw long passes to who I assumed - incorrectly, I guess - was second-year tight end Rob Gronkowski. It was bassist Robert Trujillo the entire time! I had no idea."

Eyewitness reports detail the shock as something you see regularly with internet search engines.

"The whole thing is pretty typical, you know? One day, a person enters a search for 'NFL show schedule tickets for the New England Metallicas' and has his mind blown by obvious reality, the next, someone else will end up looking up something incredibly visible and hilarious without realizing how ridiculous it is and will be similarly and unnecessarily shocked and excited. It's just how [the internet] works. Typical."

Scott Kraiterman, 20, explained that, with the new understanding he has for the now-revealed coupling of life heroes, he has plans to be more mindful of the internet as a tool to figure out who is who.

"There I was at a football game in Foxboro singing along to a Metallica song that wasn't even playing! It was the sound of the fans next to me shouting 'Stop singing! I paid good money for these tickets and you're ruining it! Stop!' I won't make that mistake again haha.'


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Study Suggests New York Art School Attendance, Cat Ownership, Facebook Wall Post Habits, and Shocking Availability of Free Time As Commonalities

(Alfred, NY) -- A recent internet study performed at Google's headquarters in Mountain View, CA helps shed light on a new Kraiterman-Facebook trend that seems to have the Highland Park resident's Facebook inundated by attractive, young twenty-somethings and their feline companions. The study highlights attending art school in New York, owning cats and cat accessories, regular, habitual posting to the Garden Stater's wall, and having an admirable abundance of free time and energy as common traits for the hosts of what scientists are calling the, perhaps, most peculiar trend for the publicly acclaimed LIVE at Scott Kraiterman's Wall.

"The numbers are right," says Google Analytics operations engineer Jahnn Koppal, 52. "The numbers are right, and we all seem to have the same results over here. I guess I'm just not a cat person. I don't get it."


Monday, January 9, 2012

Confused New Jersey Mayor Announces Holiday

(Highland Park, NJ) -- In a reaction to the massively popular and ongoing LIVE at Scott Kraiterman's Wall, Highland Park mayor Gary Minkoff announced earlier this morning that January 10, 2011 will be known in the town as 'Parade of Singing Internet Women and Scott Kraiterman's Facebook's Day...Week?' He detailed the following in an unannounced press conference a little after midnight.

"Yeah, I just...well, to tell the truth, I'm not totally sure what the holiday entails. I mean haha I know what it's about (I love the program), but I guess we had a hard time coming up with a name for the day. I don't really know what's going on haha. People seem to like it. Questions?"

Town residents who had been, prior to the announcement, registering noise complaints for "upsettingly accurate and happy multitudes of Disney and Bieber renditions sung through posted internet video by bubbly, fun art students my god" and "loud facebook notification rumblings that sound vaguely like a phone but could also be a tiny, ever-running truck or vacuum" share his befuddled excitement for the holiday, explaining that they, too ,don't quite understand what the fun is about, that they'd like it quieter in their town, but, also, ultimately, that they are altogether warmed for reasons that they won't be able to explain for some time if at all.

"I mean, they have the songs. They have the youth and the funny pictures. We just gave it a formal title haha. You"


Friday, January 6, 2012

Alfred Alumnus Rewrites Wikipedia to Include Self in Biography of Adele

(Alfred, NY) -- Saturday morning was full of celebration as devoted lingerers held to what is being accurately described as the hot, new internet lounge of 2012. Magic was in the air as Lindsay Warnes, Alfred University Alumnus and renowned dance-magician, rendered crowds momentarily speechless with colorful, musical tributes to Adele and Nicki Minaj. Moments after her critically acclaimed performances during Night Two of LIVE at Scott Kraiterman's Wall's revival broadcast, Warnes, 17, marked the success of the event by making brief, revealing edits to Wikipedia to reflect her contribution to Adele's life, including both details of Saturday's performance itself as well as a quick, little photobooth snapshot because why the hell not?


Thursday, January 5, 2012

Kraiterman Finds January Revival of Local Facebook Music Scene Inspiring, Almost Better Than Metallica

(Piscataway, NJ) -- In the wake of a series of seemingly umprompted yet inspired music talents appearing on Facebook, many fans of last week's week-long LIVE from Scott Kraiterman's Wall have joined together in what can only be described as an elated, desperate frenzy as most wonder about the future of the venue. Local date farmer Ryan Heughn Jacobs had the following to say.

"What can I say? I mean, Sara flew to Canada -- Toronto, and I was so sure from watching online that things couldn't get any better than that. We were all so sure, you know? I guess I'd be lying entirely if I said that I didn't want this."

Most of all wondering about the future of the venue is Scott Kraiterman, 36, who met the surprise acts with a bit of a surprise act of his own. Kraiterman is early into the first month of his Facebook's 2012, and we were able to catch him at work where he offered with a couple of healthy, sighed chuckles his thoughts on the situation as it continues to emerge as the bright new start to the year.

"It's not a tough choice. They come in and play, and I watch, and I like it - enough said. It's a new year, and if you ask me how I feel about it any day of the week, my answer is that it's 'just great' - not 'great' like Metallica hahaha, but 'just great'. That's never a tough choice haha."