Monday, June 11, 2012

School Psychologist Accepts Driving Addiction After Tennessee Music Festival, Skips Work to Drive to Mall Thirty-Eight Times

(Highland Park, NJ) -- A local school psychologist dealt with a driving addiction Monday morning after a long weekend of seeing live music. The weekend getaway, bookended by thirteen hour commutes to and from New Jersey and Tennessee, included seeing such acts as Radiohead, St. Vincent, Ludacris, and other popular musicians that left the area man dazzled and open to the lasting impression of the uncannily long highway trips surrounding the event. The resident, Scott Kraiterman, 22, now faces the present dilemma of driving impossibly exhausting amounts of highway for no clear or practically acceptable reason.

"The road, the air conditioning, the brutal self-doubt in the face of mindless exhaustion? I need it now. I don't know why, but I do need it on some scary, intrinsic level. Here, toss me that water bottle?..."

His trips now includes basically aimed voyages on the interstate - points west, east, north, and south at destinations like supermarkets and local malls of middling quality with regular stops at rest areas to refresh his spirits.

"I mean, if your question is 'Scott, are you running an errand,' the answer is no. I'm not shopping for new clothes here. haha"

Local witnesses explain having seen the New Jersey man's 2012 Honda Civic driving loops around parking lot islands, figure-eighting by confused pedestrians, and stopping at regular intervals so that the driver can climb out, pocket his keys, and stretch his legs.

"It just doesn't really make all that much sense," explained one such onlooker. "I watched him drive twelve times back and forth from a Taco Bell at the north exit of the parking lot to an Arby's over by the highway, shouting things like 'I'll be there in thirty seconds!' or 'Help me! Help me! Help me!' It's really pretty amazing. Scary."


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