Alfred Alumnus Rewrites Wikipedia to Include Self in Biography of Adele

(Alfred, NY) -- Saturday morning was full of celebration as devoted lingerers held to what is being accurately described as the hot, new internet lounge of 2012. Magic was in the air as Lindsay Warnes, Alfred University Alumnus and renowned dance-magician, rendered crowds momentarily speechless with colorful, musical tributes to Adele and Nicki Minaj. Moments after her critically acclaimed performances during Night Two of LIVE at Scott Kraiterman's Wall's revival broadcast, Warnes, 17, marked the success of the event by making brief, revealing edits to Wikipedia to reflect her contribution to Adele's life, including both details of Saturday's performance itself as well as a quick, little photobooth snapshot because why the hell not?

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Kraiterman Finds January Revival of Local Facebook Music Scene Inspiring, Almost Better Than Metallica

(Piscataway, NJ) -- In the wake of a series of seemingly umprompted yet inspired music talents appearing on Facebook, many fans of last week's week-long LIVE from Scott Kraiterman's Wall have joined together in what can only be described as an elated, desperate frenzy as most wonder about the future of the venue. Local date farmer Ryan Heughn Jacobs had the following to say.

"What can I say? I mean, Sara flew to Canada -- Toronto, and I was so sure from watching online that things couldn't get any better than that. We were all so sure, you know? I guess I'd be lying entirely if I said that I didn't want this."

Most of all wondering about the future of the venue is Scott Kraiterman, 36, who met the surprise acts with a bit of a surprise act of his own. Kraiterman is early into the first month of his Facebook's 2012, and we were able to catch him at work where he offered with a couple of healthy, sighed chuckles his thoughts on the situation as it continues to emerge as the bright new start to the year.

"It's not a tough choice. They come in and play, and I watch, and I like it - enough said. It's a new year, and if you ask me how I feel about it any day of the week, my answer is that it's 'just great' - not 'great' like Metallica hahaha, but 'just great'. That's never a tough choice haha."

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Scott Nailed It, Proclaims Amazed and Alarmingly Lucid Julian Morris

(Highland Park, NJ) -- Capping off a night of massive celebration Friday night was Scott Kraiterman, 29, with his warm, devoted rendition of "A Whole New World," by Cameron Nadler, 6. Responding to the event was Connecticut-born Julian Morris, ?, who had little to say about the performance, but seemed altogether pleased and distracted by what many are calling a positive showing by all.

"He sang well. He fucking nailed it."

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LIVE at Scott Kraiterman's Wall Continues, Proposal For New "Best 'Scott's Wall' Performance" Gong Award Gains Momentum

(Kingston, Jamaica) -- As facebook acts, singers, and spectators alike waltz their way toward the midnight hour of Scott Kraiterman's facebook's final morning in 2011, people like Cameron Nadler wonder about the future of the event.

"I mean, there should be an award, you know? Is this something that we want continuing into the summer? There's relevance. There should definitely be a gong for this."

Nadler, busy planning his vacation's itinerary while fidgeting lightly with attempts to control his gesturing, accentuating hand movements, laid out grand visions for the gong, detailing possible nominees and describing at boring length about his upcoming pitch to the Morrises.

"It's a great idea. I have literally never been more serious in my life."

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BREAKING NEWS: Kraiterman Makes His Move, Exhibits Sweeping Approval

(Brighton, MA) -- Early into the festivities Friday night, Kraiterman, 29, made what most will refer to as a brief, temporary appearance during what most are describing as the best nearly-embarrassing, horribly-yet-warmly plaguing spectacle available on facebook in 2011, taking a short break from his Friday night movie to gauge online activity. A multitude of Likes ensued.

"One second, I'm drinking scotch and watching Schindler's List; the next moment I'm in my bedroom finding something completely the opposite of Spielberg-directed, nonfiction, holocaust dramas and laughing terribly. It's really pretty powerful stuff."

More on this as the situation develops.

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Karaoke Starts With a Bang, Spectators Find Kraiterman's Online Activity Phantasmal, Spotty

(Brighton, MA) -- With the last night of LIVE from Scott Kraiterman's Wall's arrival, participants are fresh and ready for a night of gala revelry and celebration to ring in a new year. Kenny Murphy, dedicated host of LIVE from Scott Kraiterman's Wall and longtime Canadian, along with fellow guest hosts Carson Pinch Sara Glaberson, lit the fuse earlier tonight for what should surely end up being the most romantic evening in Scott Kraiterman's Facebook history.

"We're all excited; over here, we feel like this has been a long, week-long road and a heck of a lot of fun work, and this all is the culminating moment. The energy is sparkling."

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BREAKING NEWS: Metallica Frontman Hetfield Thought of Fondly in a Lunchtime Daydream

(Piscataway, NJ) -- Normally deeply ensconced in the challenges of an average schoolday Friday, Kraiterman, 29, afforded himself time today for a quick lunch, pulling himself from his school's duties to refresh his spirits with low carb cuisine and diet cola, giving himself a moment to call on fond memories of Metallica frontman, James Hetfield.

"I need the time, you know? I need to disconnect for a bit in the middle of things to come back fresh and ready. The stress of the job dictates a need to refill and recoup energy, and that's what lunch is all about. The dream is just dessert, I guess," Kraiterman noted with a laugh.

With the weekend and New Year's ahead of him, Kraiterman has vague plans to spend his time - and his moments daydreaming - leisurely.



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